thecoffeefaery

There's a pretty interesting article about Obama's political strategy here. And that's all I have to say about that today.

I'm having a rough day. I wanna go home. Sucks. A lot.

Coming back here is stressful. It always makes me realize how much adolescent bullshit I'm still holding on to. And then I think about how much I want to let go of it. But I haven't quite gotten that far on the path to enlightenment yet.

I miss Keith. I miss having someone to lay next to late at night. This is, I think the longest period of time I've gone without seeing him since we started dating. Including my jail time. It's highly unpleasant. I'm not used to sleeping alone anymore.

Aside from which, I'm just feeling somewhat let down by humanity in general at the moment, which is not actually humanity in general's fault. (See previous entry for a little but of further information. As much as there will be, anyway.) And I'm annoyed with myself for being annoyed about that. Rawr.

I got new shoes tho. Sweet new pair of white Vans. And some new clothes from Maurices. And a new comforter. Lots of fun stuff.

I'm very, very tired. Very tired. And really wanting a good rant, but not energized enough to have one. Maybe I'll nap and then rant...

I think I will. Stay tuned...

So here's the thing: When you say, "I'm going to try and rebuild the trust with you, and maybe someday get another chance," or something along those lines, you should probably wait at least a couple weeks before posting MySpace bulletin-survey doomawatzits wherein you talk about making the smoochies with someone else.

Just a thought, you know. A thought about how glad I am that I only entertained the idea of changing my entire life for you for a second. A thought about how there's a damn good reason I don't trust you in the first place. A thought about how much better I have it than I ever could with you.

Because you know what? He does something you are apparently not willing to risk doing: He loves me.

And I love him.

Not that I'm one of those who thinks, "Oh, he's THE ONE. I could never love anyone else but him." There are billions of people on this planet.I'm sure there are at least a few I could be happy with forever.

You've proven that you aren't one of them.

Congrats on fucking up again. I wish you the best. Do your thing. But, honey, whatever you do, do it knowing that you walked away from the best thing you'll ever have a shot at- twice.

You're right. I shouldn't have given you the time of day.

Given the recently hugely risen tobacco tax and an ever increasing number of studies about things that are bad for you, I have just one question: What, exactly, are we allowed to do? Because apparently, all of our vices are now against the rules.

Alcohol causes cancer, meat causes cancer, everyone knows smoking causes cancer, and pot's just illegal... So, where's the fun?

People wonder why we are becoming an increasingly more neurotic culture, with a steadily increasing avalanche of psychological medications prescribed every year. You know what the answer is?

We have to remove ourselves from reality somehow! All of our old standbys are becoming no-nos, as much so now as ever, so we have to pop pills. At least that's still allowed, right?

Isn't everyone just so excited for the new prohibition? This time, instead of just alcohol, they're takin' it all!

I wanna fight this guy. Books do not belong on Twitter. Can you picture Shakespeare sittin in his basement Tweeting his plays? No. Not that technology has no place in literature. I think online books are pretty sweet. I prefer to read the ink and paper kind, but that's a personal thing. I'm a bibliophile, and I love contact with actual books. But I have on several occasions found online books pretty handy. That's not the point. The point is, by Twittering his book, he's reduced it to the level of everyday minutiae, the sentence by sentence updates of a random life. Is that what he wants?


G.W. has a $7 million dollar book deal to "write his most important life lessons." Things like: "Do lots of coke and abandon your cushy military post. Your idiot countrymen will elect you president anyway." Really? This is at least as bad as If I Did It, if not worse.

In Downturn, Americans Flock to the Movies

And yet...

Economic woes hit porn industry


Interesting... so maybe our economic problems, like the incident of 9-11, are drawing us together, and making us want to spend more time with our loved ones, and less time locked in our bedrooms rubbing one out.

(See The 10 Commandments of Punditry, which are very funny, here.)

There is a columnist at my local paper, The Montana Standard named Roberta Stauffer. She writes a column every Monday, aptly titled "Monday Musings."

The column this week captured my attention. Read it here.

Since my attention was captured, I figured, why not read about this a little more? I found articles about it at Fair.org and at Newsweek.com, and a discussion board about the Newsweek article at Democratic Underground. All of which are based on a study by research psychologist Philip Tetlock. Which, in turn is based on a quote by a Greek poet. Long history for a series of stories about talking heads.

It's an interesting point to make, especially in the light of the current Jon Stewart - Jim Cramer war, which is based on a simple comment Stewart made on Cramer's incorrect predictions about the continued viability of former investment bank Bear Stearns, now merged with JPMorgan Chase. A merger which happened a little less than 2 weeks after Cramer, host of CNBC's Mad Money, was quoted as saying "Bear Stearns is fine!" (Video here.)

Lil Jimmy made a doody. It happens. Stewart is a funny, funny man and probably my favorite news-source, and definitely the most fun to watch.

The scary part of this, as Stewart pointed out last night on The Daily Show, "In Cramer we trust." Yikes. Dude, he doesn't actually possess divine powers. He's not in control of Wall Street, he just watches the trends and makes informed predictions about what will happen next. I could do that too. Without the sound effects.

So I put Vista on my computer, and so far I am quite enamored with it. Enough so that I am sitting in the dark in my basement staring at my computer screen, as I have been since I got out of bed this morning.

It's not all that impressive, really. I mean it's cool but it's not like, world-changing and revolutionary. One of the things that makes me happiest is that LimeWire now works properly. I dunno why it does, but I'm stoked about it. Simplifies my life. It'll be nice not having to hard drive all my music back and forth.

I do have 2 portable hard drives now, for no apparent reason. The first one doesn't work as well as it once did, so I got a new one.

And I finally put a new CD drive in my computer that reads and burns DVDs, which, again- STOKED!

I'm getting a wireless desktop set next I think. And a new graphics card, cuz mine is shit.

Also, proper speakers would be lovely. I do not like the one I have now all that well.

1. In the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4:
I'm not at home, where there is always a book nearby, and I can't find one.

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you reach
Beth, who is now looking at me like I've lost my damn mind.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The Bonnie Hunt Show is on right now, but I'm not really watching it.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is
2:20

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
2:18

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
TV, Beth and Matt talking.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Coming back to Beth's from the airport after saying good-bye to Kime.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
A bunch of people's Facebooks and stuff about lizards.

9. What are you wearing?
My super-comfy Wal-Mart sweats, a black tank top, my knock-off Converse, and black sunglasses serving as a headband.

10. Did you dream last night?
Yeah, but I've forgotten what about.

11. When did you last laugh?
Like half an hour ago, at Beth.

12. See anything weird lately?
A two-year old girl punching a soldier in the ass. She's a lil flirt.

13. What do you think of this quiz?
Kind of a waste of time, but I'm bored.

14. What is the last film you saw?
Mamma Mia. It was dumb.

15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A new car, and a house so my fiance would quit worrying, and a nicer computer. And prolly a lot of shit for Beth. I'm her bitch/bodyguard.

16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would it be?
I'd make the economy better. Or end the wars in the Middle East.

17. Do you like to dance?
Hells yeah. But for me, dancing tends to take the form of just moving my MASSIVE ASS around a lot lol.

18. George W. Bush:
IS GONE! BRING IN THE NEW POWER!

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Peyton prolly.

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Well, Keith claims we're naming our firstborn soon Taziki. I like Riley, and Matthew, and I'd kinda like to name one of my boys after my dad.

21. Would you ever consider living/studying abroad?
Yeah. I'd love to, but I doubt I ever will now. It's harder to do when you're married.

22.Tag four people who MUST also do this in THEIR notes!

23. Put the last song you listened to on your portable music device as the title.

"Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels good."
Henry Rollins

So I'm watching The Women. And it's reminded me of something that I've thought about several times before.

Sometimes you have to lose everything before you can find yourself. Sometimes it takes the worst thing to ever happen to you to make your life what it should have been all along.

Things may not turn out perfect, and it might not be easy, but you can, like a phoenix, rebuild yourself out of the trash and ashes left over from what used to be you, what used to be your life.


"Nothing is sacred. Doubt -- in everything -- is absolutely essential. Everything, no matter how great, how fundamental, how beautiful, or important it is, must be questioned.
It's only when people believe that their beliefs alone are beyond all doubt, that they can be as truly horrible as we all know they can be. Belief is the force behind every evil mankind has ever done. You can't find one truly evil human act in human history that was not based on belief-and the stronger their belief, the more evil human beings can be."
Brad Warner, Hardcore Zen

Can I get an 'Amen,' please?

It kind of reminds me of this scene from Dogma:

Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.

How can you not see the perfectly reasonable and realistic logic in this? People do stupid, horrible things in the name of what they believe. I'm all for having faith in something, but faith and belief are not the same thing.

I have faith in lots of things: Love, the basic goodness of humanity, natural selection, the ability of caffeine to instantly make me a happier and more pleasant person... the list goes on.

And I have lots of ideas. About all kinds of things. Too many to list here. My big idea tho, the overarching idea, my umbrella concept is that people should be more involved in life and more interested in learning. Not necessarily education -- education is all about rank and file, and that's an idea I don't like.

What do I believe in? I believe that beliefs are very dangerous things.

01. Do you like blue cheese?
I fucking despise it actually.

02. Have you ever smoked?
I smoke like a chimney. We'll not discuss my smoking habits outside of cigarettes, mmkay?

03. Do you own a gun?
I have owned a few, but right now, they've all been inherited by my younger brother.

04. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite?
Wait, was? Grape. I love when my mouth turns colors other than the normal one lol.

05. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Nope.

06. What do you think of hot dogs?
Delicious. Please don't remind me what they're made of.

07. Favorite Christmas movie?
Miracle on 34th Street.

08. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Tequila. No, seriously, coffee. I loves it.

09. Can you do push ups?
Like 3.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My (both currently broken) angry vagina flower and naked lady goddess necklaces. And the really nice bracelet my boyfriend's parents got me for Christmas this year.

11. Favorite hobby?
Reading. Writing. Cooking.

12. Do you have A.D.D?
Yeah, I guess I - Ooo look! A kitty!

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself?
I'm selfish and spoiled and lazy and kind of a brat.

14. Middle name?
Ariel.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment!
I wonder if Keith will call me when he gets done with basketball. I still have to pee. I wanna go home and write!

16. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Mt Dew, coffee, XXX Vitamin Water.

17. Current Worry?
Being unemployed.

18. Current hate right now?
Mooches.

19. Favorite place to be?
In bed with Keiffers.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Sitting on a couch with Beth and Keith, babysitting. Eating Ben and Jerry's.

21. Where would you like to go?
Italy.

22. Name three people who will complete this:
Prolly no one.

23. Do you own slippers?
Nope.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Dark green.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Yeah, I guess.

26. Can you whistle?
Not really.

27. Favorite color(s)?
Pretty much all of them, depending on my mood. And the non-colors.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever I have in my head or have playing on my speakers at the time.

30. Favorite Girl's Name?
Peyton.

31. Favorite boy's name?
Riley.

32. What's in your pocket right now?
My phone.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
"Thug life!"

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
The flannel penguin ones.

35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Broke my left leg in middle school.

36. Do you love where you live?
YES!

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? .
Um...3.

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Prolly me. Lol. Or Beth.

39. How many dogs do you have?
Two at my folks' place.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Hopefully my boyfriend. Lol. Other than that, there are a couple.

41. What is your favorite book?
Anything by Tamora Pierce. Or Kate Forsyth. The Twilight books.

42. What is your favorite candy?
Pretty much anything involving chocolate.

43. Favorite Sports Team?
Denver Broncos.

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
There are several.

So, here's the thing: Anyone who is technologically informed enough to be using social networking services like Twitter (the subject of this story, then you should be technologically informed enough to realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON THE INTERNET. You do not exist in a vacuum on the web. Other people are watching, listening, reading.

If this were not true, there would be no such thing as an "internet celebrity," an "internet phenomenon," "social networking," "massively multi-player online games," or anything else on the internet. The internet is made up of content generated by almost everyone on the planet.

The people you are writing about can read what you're writing. One of the laws of writing anything: writing is written to be read. Why do you bog, Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, anything if not for other people to see, read, absorb, it?

I guess what I think is: Write what you want. Write the truth. But be aware that other people will see it, and may be offended or upset by it. Writers know that writing is not just about the writing itself. It is not simply an act of creation. It is an act of communication and connection with other people. This truth applies to everything from your posted away message or Facebook status to the newly published novel by your favorite author or the collection of prose poems gathering digital dust on your hard drive. Writing is meant to be read. It does not truly exist without a reader.

Why do we write if not to bring others into out world?

And I would have done the same thing the good employees of Fed-Ex corporate did in that situation.

So I have a good friend who's a Marine. One of my absolute favoritest people. And I was swimming around the LJ communities awhile back and came across one called militarylove. I looked around a bit, decided I kinda liked the look of it, and thought, "Hey, why not join?"

Sp the mods have to approve me. I figure no big deal, right? I had forgotten that lil, tiny line in my profile that says, "the American way sucks." They took offense at that.

But I don't take it back. I just think I probably should have explained myself better.

I am all for America. I was raised to be patriotic, a large portion of my family is now or has been in the military.

I love America, but I love what America was supposed to be even more. I love the idea of "The City on the Hill," a beacon for freedom and justice, shining out for all the world to see.

But we failed. We are not that city, far from it. We are a sprawling, squalid, sordid, sanctimonious bully, and the rest of the world hates us. And, yes, that does matter. We are the city - there's one in every region, so I know you know what I mean - that all the other cities look at in disgust, that everyone in the area rushes to explain away, trying not to claim it as a neighbor but unable to avoid doing so at the same time.

So why is that believing that America has gone wrong means that I don"t support the troops? Why can't I say "I don't like what's happened to my country and I disagree with the war we're involved in," and still be considered a patriot? I don't believe that patriotism is blindly following the leader wherever he may go like a flock of lemmings marching to our deaths. I have a quote about that around somewhere... K, couldn't find it, but I'll get back to ya.

America is more than its military presence, after all. What my boys are doing overseas does not necessarily reflect what's happening within our borders, and politics and culture, while intertwined, are not the same thing.

I dislike much of what happens both politically and culturally in this country, but I'm still proud to be an American in a weird way, and I'm proud of all our people in uniform, both domestic and international.

I am free, and I love my freedom, and I intend to make use of it. My problem with this country is that so many people don't make use of what they've been given just by being born here.



"I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually." -James Baldwin, Notes of a Native Son

Take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

I lit my pain on fire
And I watched it all burn down
Now I'm dancing in the ashes
And there's no one else around
Cause I wanna be part of something
This is just a story of a broken soul

As days go by, my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

I'm burning in the heavens
And I'm drowning in a hell
My soul is in a coma
And none of my friends can tell
That I'm reaching out and getting nothing
This is just a story of a broken soul

As days go by, my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

Don't shut me out

Does anyone around me feel the same
Put your fist up and vent your pain
Does anyone around me feel the same
Put your fist up and vent your pain
Does anyone around me feel the same
Put your fist up and vent your pain
Does anyone around me feel the same
Put your fist up and vent your pain

As days go by, my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

So take me and let me in
Don't break me and shut me out

As days go by, my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by

Take Me
Don't Break Me

---Take Me, Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

---Scars, Papa Roach

It's funny. Bree thinks this song is like her perfect song to Zach. Except she keeps goin back to him. She's a fuckin idiot and a fuckin lying whore. So things aren't goin well with Justin. Deal with it. Don't go out, get drunk and have sex with your ex. And then lie to your so-called best friend about it.

She's always saying how she doesn't wanna be like her mom, but she's setting herself up to be nothing else. Getting drunk every night so you don't have to think about it isn't problem-solving, it's escapism. It's weakness of the worst kind. Stand up and fucking face your shit and fix it.

You can't just sit back and hope everything will go away if you wait long enough. Let things be what they are, and don't worry about everything all the time, because things will happen the way they happen, but at least be pro-active about your life. The only salmon swimming with the current are the dead ones, and take it from me, you do not want to be a dead fish, cuz them things are nasty.

I think this might be a song to Bree more than to Zach. But I don't know. Maybe they're the perfect couple, cuz it fits him too. Maybe she just needs to suck it up and deal with the problems she and Zach have because she's never gonna be willing to even try with anybody else. Wow, my contempt is just bubbling over right now. She's my friend usually, but right now I absolutely hate her.

Which one of us is the worse person?


I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky, lucky sometimes

Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Ohhhhhh

Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes

Even hearts like mine
Ohhhhhhhh

Some hearts,
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

---Some Hearts, Carrie Underwood

I thought I caught a lucky break not too long ago, but I guess he was more like Derek than either of us realized. Funny how that happens, huh? I guess the stars aren’t on my heart’s side.

That’d be kind of a cool tattoo. Like a heart with stars on it. Or around it. Put the stars on the side of my heart, ya know?

I just wanna give up sometimes. I watch everybody around me fall for each other, mostly I watch all of my guy friends and everybody I want fall for Bree a lot of the time. What’s so fucking great about her exactly?

I realized yesterday that I’ve been wearing a lot of make-up lately, trying to be pretty like her. And then I realized I don’t wanna be pretty like her. I wanna be pretty like me. Except for the one small problem there: I’m not. Sometimes I’m hot, sometimes I’m sexy. I’m not pretty. I don’t do pretty. I look like a dude a great deal of the time, and there’s nothing pretty about that. Only when I cover up the dudeness do I even get to hot, but I never get to pretty, much less beautiful.

I’m so tired of being chick friend. I’m so tired of making everybody else’s relationships work because I don’t have one of my own. You know, I have great friends and everything, but that’s just not enough somehow. I still feel like I’m alone. Everybody in my world wants her, and I’m all alone. I’m gonna die like I lived: Alone.

I wonder if there’s an age one has to reach before one can start being a crazy cat lady. Live alone with cats. Or I could be a crazy Rott lady. Meaner pets. I think it’s appropriate.

Mark has such amazing timing sometimes. I’m sittin here writin this and he’s over on Justin’s computer, and I’m cryin, but the music’s on so he couldn’t have heard me, and we have our backs to each other, and totally out of the blue he just goes, “Quinn. I love you,” in his silly little voice. Made it sorta better. Yay for Mark.


No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

---That's what You Get, Paramore

So true. When you let your heart win, everybody loses.

I'm watching her be with him and it makes me crazy. But I guess that's unfair. Maybe he'll be good to her. This time. But I just can't seem to convince myself of that. I wonder if anyone watched me plow my way through The Derek Situation and felt like this.

I'm not even sure why I care so much. I read her blog. She doesn't even think of me as one of her good friends. So why does her not getting hurt matter so goddamn much to me? Obviously I'm not a good friend.

What's ironic about this is that I actually started this blog on like Wednesday. It is now Monday and I have a shiny new boy I want. I gotta get the fuck over it tho 'cause he's kinda like totally obsessed with someone else. And not just any someone else. Krystal. Yeah. So... I think I'll just chillax and try not to be a crazy person. That's my plan of action.

I wish I could get through a day, or even an hour, or maybe just a few minutes for a start without thinking of him and feeling guilty and hating myself for what I did and wondering and analyzing and hoping and fantasizing and trying to figure out time travel. I wish I could stop wishing. I wish I wasn't so damn tempted to follow Sharpie with razor, carve his initials in, right over the veins, right where I always warned him it might end up. I wish that all of that shit was as over as I had thought it was until now. There are roughly five people I really want to talk to right now: One of them is the reason I really need to talk to somebody, one of them used to be one of m best friends and has now taken over the life I used to lead, one of them is a sort of emotional earth for me whether she realizes it or not, and two of them are my moms - neither gave birth to me.

But it's two AM. None of them would much appreciate a phone call from crazy emo Quinn. Tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get up the courage to go talk to him. Maybe we'll be able to talk like people. I wouldn't bet on it.

I am a crazy, ambushing stalker bitch. And I'm self-centered. And I realize that now. Unfortunately it took me completely humiliating myself in front of what was admittedly a very limited audience to realize the first bit. The second bit, I already knew. I'm trying t work on it. I don't know how well it's working. I seem to be getting along better with some people, so I think that means I'm doing okay.

( It goes on. And on. And on and on and on. Sorry. )

I am developing a complex about my lj. I really want to update, and I feel as though I ought to be updating, but I'm going through one of those periods in life where it just sort of seems to whiz by, out of control, and needs no input or participation from me, and such periods are always difficult to write about.

So, I am faced with a dilemma: Force myself to write about events I don't really understand, like, at all, and be bored and resentful and spend my time dwelling on all the more interesting things I could be doing with my time; OR not write and feel guilty and cranky because I'm not writing.

Life is frustrating.

Eeeeeee-waahhhhhhhhhhhh...

*Bitch, bitch, moan, bitch, moan, moan, bitch, bitch, bitch. Moan. Whine. Bitch.*

Well... primary concerns at the moment:

1. I really have to pee. I'll be right back.

Ok, that's taken care of. I also gave up on sleep and put clothes on. I now have the hiccups.

2. I blew my knee out at work, I have to see an orthopedist. Unfortunately, they seem to be very popular people in Butte, and getting in to see them is becoming a pain in my ass. No doctor's appointment, no worker's comp; no workers comp, no food. Simple equation, no? Plus side: pain killers.

3. Justin and I are still not speaking. Headache inducing situation.

4. I'm broke. As usual.

5. My car needs several dozen repairs that I can't afford to make. But I can even less afford to not have a car.

6. I desperately need caffeine. Desperately. Preferably now. Time for questing. I desire a breve.

You know how there's that one song that, when you hear it, just quietly makes you happy, makes the world make more sense, completely expresses exactly what you're feeling?

I got me one of those songs.

And one day, I hope it'll be our song.

Just don't tell him when you figure out who the other half of the 'our' is.

Taylor Swift - I'd Lie

I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

I'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long

He sees everything in black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you, but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up and pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
And if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie

Such a sentimentalist.

Or maybe just mental.

Same thing, really.

Amanda leaves for Basic Friday. We've just gotten to be friends again, so it's kinda sad, but maybe we'll be able to keep up contact while she's gone through letters and whatnot and stay friends.

No, seriously, I do mean friends.

I wouldn't exactly throw a bitch fit if there were more than that, but I'd be happy either way. In some ways friends are better anyway. Keep the stress out of life. Don't worry about relationships (who ever thought they'd hear me say that?).

I'm just constantly learning that you can't control people and what they feel, shit, you can't even control what you feel, so why stress yourself out about it? If you're always worrying about what comes next -- and with whom -- you never enjoy what you've actually got. And, right now, I've got it pretty good. Can't complain, anyway.

Well, I could, but everybody's sick of listening to that shit.

Don't worry, be happy... Somebody needs to sing that song to me every time I start to freak out about stupid shit. But, in a way, that's what Justin does all the damn time when I do freak out about that stupid shit. I just don't listen. And e doesn't actually sing, thank the gods. That would probably worry me more. I love the kid, but neither of us were intended to be great vocalists.

Dropping out has really helped my outlook on life. Not having to deal with all that shit every damn day makes me a happier person. Which was one of the hopes about dropping out in the first place. The drama, and the expectations, and the bullshit, and the hoops to be jumped through was making me crazy.

We will all stand beck and watch in awe as Quinn is transformed by the relaxing nature of her life. Happiness is not really all that tough. Just do what you know is really right for you and tell everybody who won't support you to go fuck themselves. I cut myself down enough. I don't need other people doing it too.

No pressure.

No rules.

Just me, figuring who the fuck me actually is.

You all thought I knew, didn't ya?

Haha, gotcha!

Love ya, kids.

And just chill out, okay?